… don’t go see Alone in the Dark. After getting 1% on RottenTomatoes.com and a 9/100 on Metacritic, I knew I had to see this film. $6.50 (matinee showing, thank god) and 90 minutes later, I can say with certainty that Alone in the Dark is one of the worst films I have ever seen.
It’s not the worst of all time, though. That honor goes to Manos: Hands of Fate, which is truly, truly awful. But Alone in the Dark might be second. I’ve seen a lot of movies, including just about every terrible horror flick produced in the ’80s and ’90s. This is worse than all of them. Remember Tails from the Hood? Or I Come In Peace, starring Dolph Lundgren? Alone in the Dark is worse than those. Thought that video games-into-movies could never stoop below Street Fighter or Super Mario Bros.? You thought wrong.
So yeah, it’s terrible. And the worst part is that it is so bad that it’s not even so-bad-it’s-funny-bad. It’s surpassed the funny-bad point and ventured completely into the realm of un-fucking-believably bad. I expected to laugh through the movie, but mostly my mouth was agape. This is a new low for Christian Slater. Come on man, you were in Pump Up the Volume and True Romance! Even your work on Broken Arrow is cinema gold compared to this drivel. How could you accept that script?? And why oh why did you make a movie where Tara Reid is cast as an archeologist?!
In summary, don’t go to see Alone in the Dark. The game upon which the concept is loosely based (and the degree of looseness here is extreme) is far better than the movie itself, and it wasn’t that great to begin with. Spend your $9.00 on a used PS1 or Dreamcast copy–it’ll last longer and you’ll get far more enjoyment out of it.